FARWELL

Robert Pattinson at New Moon premiere

This will  be my parting entry for my blog. We’ve had some good times, and rough times. I know I still have issues, but I don’t think posting them on the internet will resolve them. I think everyone should know the truth; true. I want people to know all my problems and issues and look at me as mess up; not true. But it’s not like I didn’t want them too before. It’s all about attention. I’m not an attention hog and I certainly don’t crave attention every hour of the day, but I don’t want to fade into the backround, even if that’s dramatic. I want people to notice me. But I don’t need this blog anymore. That’s the whole reason for this.

I have things to occupy myself, the VTN -though that now seems like a special occasion that work- my diary; I bought a Twilight journal and have been writing in it for a week now, I have my books -though that sounds totally loserish- and I have people. Friends, things to do with them. It doesn’t all have to be hobbies.

I know I’ll come to this site and look back on all my posts and possibly laugh at my youngness and  naivness. I will remember and feel a wave of nostalgia. And I will know I’ve grown up and mattured, and’ve gone through expiriences I don’t know about to make me knowledgable. Tata. ❤

 

LIES

So, there is some things you just can’t say to a person’s face. For starter’s, “You look fat, you fat ass.” Or, “I don’t necassarily like you as a person.”  And I haven’t said any of these things out loud to another person, doesn’t mean I don’t think them, right? I mean, c’mon, we all do! So, if you don’r, and if you say, “Oh! That looks great on you!” Or, “Your a nice person and I enjoy you!” Does that mean your lieing? Or your just being ‘nice’? This little analogy brings me my new truthness, ‘No-Lying’. I am gonna feel good about this, not that I haven’t told people the brutal truth before, and I have told some recent lies I will let out. Here’s my list:

• Halloween
• Social Plans
• Rules with Parents
• Sister
• Caring About School

Okay, Halloween. I told Blondie and Lucy I was sick so that I couldn’t go trick or treating with them, and at 13 trick or treating is a little immature, right? So I told that lie; that I was sick. The truth is I was sick earlier, puking my guts out and a major migraine, but when I called Lucy and told her I couldn’t I was fine. I felt really bad, but I wasn’t about to just show up at her house after I cancelled. How rude would that be? So, I made other plans. I know it probably wasn’t very nice. But since when is my motto nice? It’s not. So, instead I went to Poplar Point with Monicat/Kroner, Kyra, Amber, Andrew and Wendy(This really nice woman who runs a building here). There was a bunch of other people too. The reason we went was because there was this truly haunted house and we investigated and got to interview the owner’s, Heather and Frank. Their really old and nice, duh. Sorry Blondie and Lucy, I know it was wrong and stuff, and I also know it was our last Halloween together and I should have wanted to go, but what can you do now, right?

Second on my list is Social Plans. Well, this one and Halloween kind of go hand-in-hand. I have lied to other people about plans with people(friends, etc.). W.e. No big deal here. Except the lying part … Sorry.

Third is Rules With Parents. This is simple; you know when you say ‘Yeah I’m gonna stop this and so on,’ or ‘yeah I’ll clean my room right away.’ It’s like that. I do things they ask, and I do them as soon as I can. But when I say I’ll stop unfolding all my clothes by accident, I usually don’t. It’s not a habit, it’s a life style. Sorry.

Fourth is Sister. Duh. I lie to my sister. Obvs. Everyone lies to their sister. I lie about feeling sorry for my grandparents not liking ehr as much as me, or her weight, or her sleeping disorder. Some things you can’t care about.  And why should I feel sorry for her? Not like she does for me. Oh, right and when I say ‘I believe you can get through High School,’ I don’t mean it. Sure, she’s bright, and she’s persistant, but she has A.D.D and she doesn’t care. She skips, she’s reckless, and even though she’s stopped doing drugs it’s only gotten worse. A lost cause some people would say. Sorry, sis. I wish I could help.

Fifth is Caring About School. I care, I do. But to a certain level. If I get 69% on a Math test, I say, ‘w.e next time I’ll do better.’ If I get 69% on a Social test, there’s a deep failure inside me that goes to my heart to the bottom of my stomach. I don’t know what it is. Maybe because I actually study for my Social, and English, but I just wing the Math and Science. It’s Mr. C-E’s’ fault. I hate him, and vice versa. How can you learn from someone you absolutely can not stand? Exactly. Not sorry for that. Well, I guess sorry to my parents.

I don’t always lie, but I do. Weirdness, oddness. Odd is such an odd word! HAHAHAH. I thought I’d feel beter getting all of this stuff off my chest …. But I feel worse. 😦 Tata. ❤

MY LIFE IS BORING

Oh, yeah and I’m a liar. I said I would start blogging everyday and stuff, but then out internet crashed and I couldn’t, I felt really bad! When it started working again I barely got to go on and had not even enough time to talk to Brianna on Facebook.  I guess I shouldn’t be making excuses … But I would like to announce I have accomplished independance and not-caring as much, about little things like Lucy and Blondie talking amongst themselves not even caring to ackknwoledge me, well I still obviously need to work on it, but I’m getting there. Oh yes,and I would like to talk about a name change.

• Loosy

Okay, so, Loosy, is now Lucy. Just thought I’d say that. To clear everything up. Oh right, and Neil, the new girl, is now Nellie. That is all.

Also, I am sooo not over Arty. Not the least bit. I thought I was because over the summer I didn’t think about him, but I guess not … W.e. I’ll talk about it tomorrow. Tata. ❤

UNTITLED

I’m feeling pretty lousy lately. I have given myself a terrible reputation, without meaning to. It’s not anything like; class whore, or, anything like that. No, no. It’s much worse. I’m a big mouth. I just said a little thing, like, ‘Lumbdy was just dating someone.’ And it got around and now I’m a big mouth aparently. Lumbdy’s mad at me, but it’s not the first time, so whatever. And everything is just .. not going right. I’m feeling a bit lame actually. And I shouldn’t say discluded. but I do. I just don’t want to do anything realls, especially blog. But I haven’t in a while so it is my duty (:)) Word count: 115. Tata. ❤

OLDNESS

My computer sucks. There was suddenly no internet for three days, and we had to call a guy and we checked all the plugs and everything. And then my dad does his mysterious father magic and it works. It makes me feel extremely incompetent. So, it’s my grandma’s birthday today! Lucky nimber 64! I can’t believe how old she is! I don’t want to sound rude of disrespectful, but that’s really old! Growing old is a beautiful thing, makes me wonder why people try to cover it up and pretend their 20 when their really 47.  I seriously have nothing else to write … AmberApocolypse and I have been working on our VTN. Just last night we retrieved a file that we lost. It was fun. Tata. ❤

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! …. :( ….. :)?

So as you can see I am not very excited for my sister’s sweet sixteen. Not because I am jealous and relatively negative, but because she is set on

❤ Left, Kyra. Middle, Amber. Last, Moi. ❤

excluding me in everything she’s done! Like, going to Tim’s with her and Amber and Monica. And then her and Amber and Monica went to Amber’s. It’s not fair, but whatever. If she doesn’t want me there I won’t be there. Her birthday. I will pretend that doesn’t hurt.

Well today was school, and then I got home and watched some t.v and then I talked to Loosy on the phone for a bit. Then I went on the computer and talked to Blondie on FaceBook. Then I went to the library with Loosy and Blondie and then went to Dance class. Dance class was so much fun! We learnt cool moves and stuff and we’re learning our routine for our recital, that’s coming up. I’m kinda nervous for that but also really excited because it’s a big thing and could get my name known! One thing I was totally on end with though was that the classes were paid for by my grandma’s money. I was talking to her and mentioned the classes and she was surprised to hear that because she wanted me to take singing lessons, but she was okay with it. Then I mentioned that my parents were having a tough time paying for it because of my sister’s birthday coming up, and she said she could pay for it. So … I felt really bad for that but I’m not really one to turn away money. It was fun anyways and a really good workout. I’m actually excited for next time! Sorry this post couldn’t be any longer guys! My mums on here and she’ll be home any second. I’ve just been noticing I haven’t been getting as many views, so I would like to say that I will keep on posting daily for your enjoyment. One Mr. C-E convo first. We’re in English and he just walks up to my desk and crouches, and I can totally smell his revolting coffee breath and it seriously makes me so sick I want to barf on his ivory polo.

MOI: Bonjour …

MR. C-E: Oui, umm, est-que tu as de le papier mathe que je suis donne hier? (Translation: Yes, umm, do you have of the math sheet I have given you yesterday?)

Gives him a disgusted look. MOI: Yes-

MR. C-E: Quoi? (Translation: what?) (and I have when he does this when we’re not speaking French but it’s English, so I don’t have to!)

Rolls eyes. MOI: Oui. And for your information, Mr.C-E, it’s English. I can speak English in ELA!

MR.C-E: Oui …

MOI: WTF!?!?!

Remember to check my blog tomorrow for my next post! Tata. ❤

SAYING GOODBYE HURTS YOU AS MUCH AS THE PERSON YOUR SAYING IT TO

I don’t like how I was acting today. I was being mean and juvenile. I was mostly sad. Because I heard, from sources, that Loosy cried over my last blog entry. It was not my intentions at all. I was just letting my feelings out, because that’s what I’m supposed to do in a blog. So I felt really bad and sad and basically guilty. I don’t want Loosy to cry. And … I guess I want her to love me and see how much I care about her. Because I care about her soo damn much and it sucks that she’s leaving. But I don’t want to think about that because it makes me cry. And I don’t want her to think I think she’s gonna forget about us when she leaves, but that’s my view on things. But who knows? Maybe we’ve really changed her for life. That would be cool, actually having an impact on someone. Tata. ❤

UPDATED: LOOSY DO NOT READ THIS!!! I also wrote this note. I want you all to read it. Because it, kinda, explains how I was feeling at the time. It might sound a little cruel and over exagerated, but I think it’s interesting. :::

It’s obvious  I don’t fit in with them anymore. That chapter of my life is closed, came to an end. I just feel like an outsider right now. They were keeping secret’s from me, and right now, in I.A, they are whispering and chatting behind my back, not even trying to include me in the conversation. It sucks big time. I thought these people were the answer to all my problems. But I’ve learned you can’t rely on someone. So I say, what is the point in waiting another 11 months for Loosy to leave? I do love her but she doesn’t trust me enough to deserve that love. If you think back over the last three years together, you wouldn’t believe the bond that formed, how it could be so strong. But maybe it isn’t? I don’t know what I want, or what I want to do. I don’t understand. I’m jealous, mostly. Because Blondie and Loosy are amazing friends, that can call eachother everynight and hang out after school, that they know they’ll always be friends. I’ve enevr had anyone like that. And that makes me sad. Blondie is the one Loosy wants to talk to and share things with, and Blondie feels the same way. If I wasn’t alove it would always be Blondie and Loosy. There wouldn’t be a jealous lump in the middle of it all. I just can’t find a place to be.

So I suck. And I am mean and terrible to my friends. I make them cry and suffer and not trust me. 😦 *cries* No one deserves a terrible friend like me. Tata. ❤

‘HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE KNOWN SOMEONE WHO WAS SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO’

I probably shouldn’t be thinking about goodbye. Saying goodbye to Loosy. It’s hard to think about though … When you think about how long we’ve known eachother you can’t believe the friendship that’s formed. Like … we were meant to be or whatever. Don’t matter if that sounds cheesy, it’s true. But if you get down to the point, time doesn’t matter. Not at all. Like my mum and dad. They were together for four months before they decided to move in together, and then three months later they got married. And eight months after that they had my sister, Tanis. Because they were so deeply in love they relied on that. 19 years in they are still in love. Like that, except with friendship. 3 years doesn’t seem like a long time, but I wouldn’t have changed the time or what we did. I wouldn’t change those three years at all. Because I learned so many things. Like trust, and betrayl and I felt true friendship. But to be honest I would have added on another thousand years or so. 😛 But I don’t want her to leave. Because thinking about her as not a constant prescence, and not hearing her voice, and not having another TwiFan. Or someone you can just randomly sing songs with in the middle of a random thing. Or someone to be spontanious with … Just thinking about how this is gonna effect Blondie. Imagine how hard it’s gonne be for her! I don’t talk to Loosy everyday, she does. Loosy is my best friend, btu her and Blondie are more than Best Friends, their like sister’s. Like the perfect sister’s, one you can tell everything and they’ll just understand. Blondie will be depressed. I’m sure I’ll be something close. I’ll probably cry my eyes out and blame everything on anyone but myself. I’d be mad at her at first then regret that and miss her so much it would hurt. I’d regret not calling her everyday or not spending every second of my free time with her. Knowing that I’d regret these things and still not taking action on them is pathetic. Just thinking about not hearing her voice makes my throat sore and tears well in my eyes. I can’t do anything about it either. I want her to stay so much! I want her to do anything to stay and at least try to beg her parents to let her stay another year. I wnat her to want to stay … But we can’t always get what we want. And I just happen to not so often. Loosy doesn’t want to stay here. She’s excited to be going, she’s been blabbing to Blondie about how good the acting program there is. She’s anticapating it. I feel like she won’t even miss us. Or she’ll try to forget us. Or she won’t even try and we’ll just fade away … I shouldn’t even be worrying about this, it’s pathetic. If she doesn’t care I shouldn’t either. I want to redo everything sometimes! I wish I never met her, and we were  never destined to be best friends. Or that they’d moved somewhere else and we’d never met. But I regret it everytime. If she hadn’t came here I wouldn’t be the same person and neither would any of us. Loosy pulled us together with her capable hands and made us who we are. She does that. And maybe there will be people in her next city, and she’ll change more lives. I hope those people will appreciate her the same way we always have. And I hope she’ll still remember our friendship, because I know it will always be in my memory, forever. Tata. ❤

BLONDIE’S CABIN

Well, back from Blondie’s cabin! I thought it was really fun. It was me, Blondie (obvs), Loosy, Neil and TB. I like how I never mentioned I was

Me, Loosy and Neil near the woods at Blondie's cabin ❤

even going … but I dunno haha I don’t feel I should write everything in here. So I don’t. Anyways … I’ve noticed Neil is a very quite person, towards me. She seems more open to a conversation to TB or anyone else, maybe because I’m a different person than she knows. 😦 Not good, but who cares? The main event of the night was laying on the grass at night with ma buds star gazing. It probably sounds really cheesy but it was … cool. I didn’t think I should care anyways, it wasn’t exactly the highlight either. Because I was thinking, well we were thinking, about Loosy moving, and what’s gonna happen when she moves. It was sad, and I cried. And Loosy got mad because we were dealing with it in advance. But mineswell, right? She shouldn’t of been upset because we have to deal with it too. Well maybe she should be but she’s completely neutral to the whole idea. She doesn’t see it the same way we do. And I’ve looked from all sides. Moving on …

It was funny before when we were talking about when the world ends and how, or even if. And Loosy and I were talking, so intensely, about the rapture. It was funny in a morbid way. Like, a bunch of teens going to have fun but instead sitting in the living room talking about dying …. Nice.

I have to go now. 🙂 I wanted to end this on a good note … Tata. ❤

UNKNOWN AND PERPETUALLY DISTANT

I have a little note here that I wrote when I wished I could blog, and had nothing better to do. 🙂 Here it is:

It’s 10:55. Ky and Monica are asleep.I should be too I suppose. I feel like documenting this moment. I have grown to cherish life and all it has to offer. If you don’t learn to accept challenges the more you dwell and suffer. And I’ve done enough suffering. Which brings me to a conclusion; I can’t seem to get past the feeling I am forcing myself into drama’s. But isn’t it true, though? I’ve been pushing myself into people’s world’s without any consent or means to do so. I’m a mess. Without any right to be one. I blog because I want to let out my thoughts and make people see me in a different light. I don’t want to be the stupid, selfish brat everyone seems to see me as. I want to be an insightful, smart person. I want people to see me as what I really am. Not just the stupid goofy person I always am. But an insightful poet. An author. I want them to know that when the pencil touches the paper inspiration floods my mind. Or when my finger’s touch the keyboard. It’s  no use though. I have made a reputation not worth getting, or keeping. I have lived to long in my own fake shadow for people to actually see the person behind it. Like what Blondie said, “You always get what you don’t want” Well I didn’t get what I wanted, but it was what I worked for. No use if no one understands the voice speaking … I guess I am dwelling, on the reasonable, though. ❤

So, as you see, I have doomed myself into an uncontrolable spiral towards the unknown and perpetually distant future. Nice. 😦 Tata. ❤