13
Aug
09

I WILL FOREVER NOT FIT IN

Dreaming_Of_You_by_Dark_misfitThe girls have gone to a concert in the park. Normally I would still be sulking, but the jealousy is overwhelmed by the nostalgia. Well, it started raining really hard, and it got all humid and it reminded me of being in Florida. That was a really good week for me. I felt a sense of rightness, I felt almost whole in the Villa that was my home. I reminisced about how happy me and my family were, like we were in our own stress free bubble. Everything was glowing and even on the darkest nights, like these, we were inside our cool Villa being a family … I know I sound a little self absorbed but I would do anything to get back to those few short days … I know I felt right but there was something missing, my friends, my family, I don’t know, but I know I could never fit in because everyone there was still so different from me. I was used to the heat, somehow, and the sun didn’t make me sick like the sun in this town … It felt nice, like looking in heavan’s light or seeing something you love incredibly for the first time. I could have stayed there forever … But, of course, all of us succumb to home sickness. Being here now makes me realize I have been fooling myself for many months, trying to impress my sister and ‘The Krew’ , doing drugs, scaring my parents and loosing their trust, it was all very worthless. Looking back on my life before school ended, I realize how pathetic I was. Doing all that to impress my sister’s loser friends … All their futures are pretty much ruined, they have no where to go, they waster all their money on things that are gonna kill them in the end, I can’t believe I wanted to be like them … I suppose you could say I was driving in muck for a while and suddenly the sun came out and I could see clearly … ‘I can see clearly now the muck is gone!’ …. Hehe … *suddenly serious* But this is no laughing matter. I am talking about not fitting in with anyone even though I tried so hard. I did things I wouldn’t have done under my own influence, things that I would have gawked at and misinterpreted. Not that I didn’t do that before … My sister cares and she understands that I am not like her, but she takes it to the limit and I don’t feel like falling off the edge. I should have clued in when they ditched me that one day, and I know it sounds pathetic enough, but I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. Meaning Kyra. She has so much potential … I can’t watch my sister end this way. She is not gonna be a screw up, or I should say any more of a screw up. She is spontanious and funny and easily drifts into a crowd, she could be so much more if she tried. The Krew member’s, they have nothing to hold onto anymore, they are lost souls looking for an escape, nobody believes in them, Kyra has her family and so many people who believe in her and I’m not going to give up on her. I don’t care if she resists me, I am her sister and she know I will always be here. She should, right? After all I’ve put her through … she could look past the acid and see the compassion? So why does that twist into a question? How could I not know that my sister knows she can come to me? Easy; I don’t really know her that well. I know the outer core, the things she let’s people see, I don’t know her true emotions, the things she I terrified to let people see. Because she has to be tough, not like her vulnerable acidic sister, the one she thinks everyone warms to and would gladly take a bullet for. My friends know more people would shoot me than save me, and her friends know the real her, know the outer from the inner. I’m glad she has people, I truly am, but I wish I was one of those people. I let people know the really me, and I think that scares them, makes them un- comfortable. Kyra is a walking secret, everyone knows what she does but not what she is capable of …. She’s missing and I’m comparing us. I’m completely and totally pathetic. Vulnerable. Worthless. Frightened. A misfit. Of course no one would like me; I’m a walking disaster. Tata. ❤

 

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1 Response to “I WILL FOREVER NOT FIT IN”


  1. August 19, 2009 at 7:11 am

    I like this entry. You’ve become a very good writer. I sound like a frigginn grandma.:P

    But, like I’ve said before, we can’t choose to not be vulnerable. we just are vulnerable little souls. and we also can’t control who lets us into their hearts. You want to so much, but they just won’t open up. give it time. tell her you want to be inside her world, not necessarily doing what she does, but loving unconditionally at the same time. which includes tough love. tell her you don’t want her to end up screwing her life up. she’ll get mad, but, because you’ve chosen not to, you’re the stronger one; even with all the misfitedness and vulnerability.
    🙂


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Twilight, as you all know, is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. So I decided to put quotes on here. I want to put 3 quotes a day from now on. Here are my favorite quotes:

You know, Jacob, you’re awfully self-righteous — considering that you’re a werewolf and all.
Bella Swan, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.111

Well… don’t be offended, but you smell like a dog.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 6, p.144

I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get? I should infuriate you more often.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.186

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