07
Aug
09

UMM, HARD TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF ATM

6a00c114131a5722bd00e398acfb1e0001-500piSo I was talking to my mum last night, about reaccuring situations. Here’s how the convo went:

MOI: Umm, mum? I was wondering something …

MUM: What is it?

MOI: Is it normal to … dream about dying?

MUM: Well, yeah, I think everyone dreams about the relief. Dreams are supposed to be a place to escape to.

I realize that she thought I meant like a safe place. A heaven. Not dying literally. The truth is dying for me would not be a relief; because I know that I would be leaving meaningful people behind and hurting them. But, still,  ever since I thought about myself in that casket, I haven’t been able to escape the image, the feeling of relief that I think people would feel if I was gone. And it’s getting worse, like an hourly reaccurance. I know I can’t blame anyone but myself; for allowing myself to think of something so unhealthy. But I have to say it’s my families fault also. Oh, with all the drama of illegal things and the teasing and lies that my brother causes. Such as: me having a hunch back, and trying to hard at everything. I know it’s a little immature for me to take these things so seriously, buy when you hear them daily, by people who used to be true comarads, it’s hard to handle. I honestly almost burst into tears when James and Ethan kept telling me I tried to hard at everything, meaning singing, and everything I do daily. I know it’s not true; because if it was then I wouldn’t have almost not made it into grade eight. They are obvs trying to annoy me because they think I am Miss Super-Bitch. Which is true sometimes. But I wouldn’t go to such extremes. I am humble most of the time. But that’s definently not the point. I seem to have discovered a certain type of …. depression? What is it called when you want yourself dead for the time being? Butbutbut … nvm that.  I don’t want myself dead. I just know it would be better for everyone else; I am upsetting my siblings, making my parents bankrupt, and stressing my grandparents. I am not the best person atm. I don’t even want to look myself in the face. I feel worthless. Like I could break anything I touch. I know I am not wanted and have no intentions on turning that around. Which is a bad thing, seeing as that is the only thing left for me to do. I don’t know if I want to fit in with Kyra’s group anymore. I believe that is because I am bored with them or I sense that I am not wanted; after the little incident not many people have been talking to me. Or so it seems. I just wish I would talk to Blondie. My true other half. The only persont hat could pull me out of this slum. But she probably isn’t even reading my blog anymore. I’ve checked on hers and she hasn’t writen another post. I feel completely alone, in my little bubble. Tata. ❤

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1 Response to “UMM, HARD TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF ATM”


  1. August 7, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    I know you probably expect me to go all counsellor on you, but, If I add even more drama it’ll just make you feel like you’re even more insane. I’ve heard dreaming about dying, the important thing to take into account is what’s happening. Like people have dreamed about dying in a car accident and then it happens.So..avoid whatever was happening. It’s not uncommon, don’t worry. And about almost bursting into tears…you psming? JUST KIDDING. possibility though….
    Seriously, little things like that can get to me too. When Loosy said ” [blondie] your blog is too boring.You need to talk about gossip and stuff.” it killed me!! Because writing is my passion, and to have someone that DOESN’T UNDERSTAND say such simple yet harsh things about you does just get to you. So no worries. Everyone has their dying moments. But…look forward. Think of the things that could happen in the future, and the things you couldn’t live without now. It sort of makes you realize, yeah, life sucks right now, but I might fall in love next yearr. I want that. I want to live. It’s like from that song… the lyric describes it perfectly.

    Help, I’m Alive.


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Twilight, as you all know, is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. So I decided to put quotes on here. I want to put 3 quotes a day from now on. Here are my favorite quotes:

You know, Jacob, you’re awfully self-righteous — considering that you’re a werewolf and all.
Bella Swan, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.111

Well… don’t be offended, but you smell like a dog.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 6, p.144

I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get? I should infuriate you more often.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.186

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