06
Aug
09

GOING CRAZY HERE!!!

Random .......

Random .......

I really scared myself yesterday. I went for a walk with Kyra and we decided to go to Amber’s, but she wasn’t there so we just got our stuff, that we left the day before. It was fun for the first part, but then something happened … It wasn’t my sister. I just didn’t feel like .. getting along with her. I felt like she was blaming me for her faults .. But she wasn’t. I don’t even remember what happened really. We were just walking down the street and she said something like ‘You should have looked for that camera.’ And that set me off. I have no idea why. I was just so mad. I started screaming at her and threw the makeup case I was carrieing and ran away. I still have my sister’s confused and angry face in my mind. She didn’t start anything, she just had a comment. I realize now that I over-reacted. Obvs. I remember afterward, in my garage, after I ran away from my sister to home, thinking about how beautiful I’d look in a casket … I honestly think I’ve gone crazy. I was just thinking about what everyone else’s life would be like without me. How the mahogony casket would look with my pale skin, white velvet surrounding my unmoving frame … I must sound completely mental … But I guess just knowing that there’s something wrong with my brain is good, right? I just wish I could talk to someone about this .. Instead of posting it with no hope of anyone every replying. But I suppose it is good to get my feelings out there. Right now I feel … surrounded, yet alone. Like I’m in a little bubble and everyone outside is having fun living their life, ignoring me because I am too much of a hassel to deal with. I know my sister told my mum so now she won’t talk to me without hesitation, probably afraid of setting me off. But I entertain myself by watching her struggles, and occasionally read. It must be cruel to enjoy watching pain … maybe even sadistic, but I don’t know what to do about it. If I see blood I wonder how it got there and have fun thinking up antagonstic possibilities. I don’t even notice sometimes. And, my sister says I randomly sit somewhere and start talking to myself. I am seriously frightened by that, because I don’t notice. I thought I was pretty normal at home, average. But with this new information I think otherwise. What if I really am crazy? Does that mean I have no future at all, no hope of ever fitting in? Not that I want to be a mindless bobble head, but sometimes it’s good to fit into different categories. To be able to be with different crowdes without freaking everybody out. I think my mentalness has come with not relating to kids my own age, like Loosy and TB. I haven’t talked to Blondie recently either. Makes me wonder if she’s given up on me … I know that Blondie and I have a strong relationship, but if she was thinking about that for a long time then it would be easier for her to forget about me and give up. It wouldn’t be the first time someone has just walked away … Or, maybe I am just making everything up. Maybe my mum isn’t being careful, I didn’t freak out as much as I thought I did, and Blondie is just really busy with other things. That would make me double crazy. And, maybe I’m not crazy? No, that’s just not an option to consider. I know that something is off with me. But, if I was crazy, then how could I be one to judge? I’m  just really confused and need some guidance. But I feel really distracted and don’t want to do anything constructive. I wish I could talk to Blondie … I really miss her and I am seriously, literally, loosing my mind. Tata. ❤

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Twilight, as you all know, is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. So I decided to put quotes on here. I want to put 3 quotes a day from now on. Here are my favorite quotes:

You know, Jacob, you’re awfully self-righteous — considering that you’re a werewolf and all.
Bella Swan, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.111

Well… don’t be offended, but you smell like a dog.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 6, p.144

I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get? I should infuriate you more often.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.186

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