03
Jul
09

BAD MEMORIES

At this sleepover. I didn’t chose to be here. I just am. It’s boring. I’m sitting here watching the sun rise … it’s beautiful.

I dunno why I just keep remember that time when my mum and dad signed me up for this audition, I remember going shopping for a dress. I can’t remember the dress, though. I got there, with my mum, dad and sister Kyra. I was terrified. There were hundreds of girls, all very pretty and wearing nicer cloths than me. I was worried that my voice would crack or they would hate me or I’d forget something completely relevant. So I get up on that stage and sang. That’s right. I’ll tell you what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to get up on stage and introduce myself, they were supposed to ask me a few questions, and then I was supposed to sing a song they chose for me. But I just got up on that stage and started singing the first tune that came to mind, in front of all those girls and parents and judges. I didn’t even finish the song before I sprinted off stage, practiacally crying. I had to drag my parents out. They didn’t understand. They said I sounded great and we’d probably get a phone call. Right. I dwelled on that for weeks. I don’t know why I’m remembering that now … Maybe because of the pressure I felt? Of because of the embarrasment? Or maybe because of the people? I’m not sure. I just feel like I could have done more. I could have been cute and said ‘oops’ or something. But instead I was a cry baby/drama queen and ran away. With good reason though. I just felt totally incomplete. Like there was two choices, and I made the wrong one.

Now I remember my chat with Nibojener. About his sister beating me in that singing contest … That was a good day for me. I won something. I know that might sound pathetic, but I was happy. I’m not like Loosy and have everything handed to me, I have to earn it, though I don’t most of the time. When I won second place … I was … happy, I felt like I was finally getting somewhere, like I had a future … Even if it was second place. My dad ruined it for me though, you see I was looking forward to be going to Winnipeg after the competition, we were walking out to the van:

MOI: So dad, when are we going to Winnipeg? We could go to Polo Park?

DAD: We’re not going  anymore, you’ve just won 100 dollars, that’s barely enough for gas.

I remember feeling stupid. I remember feeling like I was worthless, like I should have done better, like I could have done better … I’m walking on shaky grounds here. This is a touchy subject for me. I don’t feel that way anymore, I know I tried my best and I have progressed over the years. It’s just hard looking back on bad memories, I’m not too good on ignoring them. I don’t have any practice on it, though. I never used to have to deal with that. Or maybe I have, I was just to young to think it through and analize it. That just makes me wonder what we’ve been missing out on. How many missing clues there are, that were probably said in the past, when we weren’t listening …

I have to go and pretend to sleep now. Tata.

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Twilight, as you all know, is my favorite thing in the whole wide world. So I decided to put quotes on here. I want to put 3 quotes a day from now on. Here are my favorite quotes:

You know, Jacob, you’re awfully self-righteous — considering that you’re a werewolf and all.
Bella Swan, Eclipse, Chapter 4, p.111

Well… don’t be offended, but you smell like a dog.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 6, p.144

I was all braced for the wrath that was going to put grizzlies to shame, and this is what I get? I should infuriate you more often.
Edward Cullen, Eclipse, Chapter 8, p.186

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