SAYING GOODBYE HURTS YOU AS MUCH AS THE PERSON YOUR SAYING IT TO

I don’t like how I was acting today. I was being mean and juvenile. I was mostly sad. Because I heard, from sources, that Loosy cried over my last blog entry. It was not my intentions at all. I was just letting my feelings out, because that’s what I’m supposed to do in a blog. So I felt really bad and sad and basically guilty. I don’t want Loosy to cry. And … I guess I want her to love me and see how much I care about her. Because I care about her soo damn much and it sucks that she’s leaving. But I don’t want to think about that because it makes me cry. And I don’t want her to think I think she’s gonna forget about us when she leaves, but that’s my view on things. But who knows? Maybe we’ve really changed her for life. That would be cool, actually having an impact on someone. Tata. <3

UPDATED: LOOSY DO NOT READ THIS!!! I also wrote this note. I want you all to read it. Because it, kinda, explains how I was feeling at the time. It might sound a little cruel and over exagerated, but I think it’s interesting. :::

It’s obvious  I don’t fit in with them anymore. That chapter of my life is closed, came to an end. I just feel like an outsider right now. They were keeping secret’s from me, and right now, in I.A, they are whispering and chatting behind my back, not even trying to include me in the conversation. It sucks big time. I thought these people were the answer to all my problems. But I’ve learned you can’t rely on someone. So I say, what is the point in waiting another 11 months for Loosy to leave? I do love her but she doesn’t trust me enough to deserve that love. If you think back over the last three years together, you wouldn’t believe the bond that formed, how it could be so strong. But maybe it isn’t? I don’t know what I want, or what I want to do. I don’t understand. I’m jealous, mostly. Because Blondie and Loosy are amazing friends, that can call eachother everynight and hang out after school, that they know they’ll always be friends. I’ve enevr had anyone like that. And that makes me sad. Blondie is the one Loosy wants to talk to and share things with, and Blondie feels the same way. If I wasn’t alove it would always be Blondie and Loosy. There wouldn’t be a jealous lump in the middle of it all. I just can’t find a place to be.

So I suck. And I am mean and terrible to my friends. I make them cry and suffer and not trust me. *cries* No one deserves a terrible friend like me. Tata. <3

‘HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE KNOWN SOMEONE WHO WAS SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO’

I probably shouldn’t be thinking about goodbye. Saying goodbye to Loosy. It’s hard to think about though … When you think about how long we’ve known eachother you can’t believe the friendship that’s formed. Like … we were meant to be or whatever. Don’t matter if that sounds cheesy, it’s true. But if you get down to the point, time doesn’t matter. Not at all. Like my mum and dad. They were together for four months before they decided to move in together, and then three months later they got married. And eight months after that they had my sister, Tanis. Because they were so deeply in love they relied on that. 19 years in they are still in love. Like that, except with friendship. 3 years doesn’t seem like a long time, but I wouldn’t have changed the time or what we did. I wouldn’t change those three years at all. Because I learned so many things. Like trust, and betrayl and I felt true friendship. But to be honest I would have added on another thousand years or so. But I don’t want her to leave. Because thinking about her as not a constant prescence, and not hearing her voice, and not having another TwiFan. Or someone you can just randomly sing songs with in the middle of a random thing. Or someone to be spontanious with … Just thinking about how this is gonna effect Blondie. Imagine how hard it’s gonne be for her! I don’t talk to Loosy everyday, she does. Loosy is my best friend, btu her and Blondie are more than Best Friends, their like sister’s. Like the perfect sister’s, one you can tell everything and they’ll just understand. Blondie will be depressed. I’m sure I’ll be something close. I’ll probably cry my eyes out and blame everything on anyone but myself. I’d be mad at her at first then regret that and miss her so much it would hurt. I’d regret not calling her everyday or not spending every second of my free time with her. Knowing that I’d regret these things and still not taking action on them is pathetic. Just thinking about not hearing her voice makes my throat sore and tears well in my eyes. I can’t do anything about it either. I want her to stay so much! I want her to do anything to stay and at least try to beg her parents to let her stay another year. I wnat her to want to stay … But we can’t always get what we want. And I just happen to not so often. Loosy doesn’t want to stay here. She’s excited to be going, she’s been blabbing to Blondie about how good the acting program there is. She’s anticapating it. I feel like she won’t even miss us. Or she’ll try to forget us. Or she won’t even try and we’ll just fade away … I shouldn’t even be worrying about this, it’s pathetic. If she doesn’t care I shouldn’t either. I want to redo everything sometimes! I wish I never met her, and we were  never destined to be best friends. Or that they’d moved somewhere else and we’d never met. But I regret it everytime. If she hadn’t came here I wouldn’t be the same person and neither would any of us. Loosy pulled us together with her capable hands and made us who we are. She does that. And maybe there will be people in her next city, and she’ll change more lives. I hope those people will appreciate her the same way we always have. And I hope she’ll still remember our friendship, because I know it will always be in my memory, forever. Tata. <3

BLONDIE’S CABIN

Well, back from Blondie’s cabin! I thought it was really fun. It was me, Blondie (obvs), Loosy, Neil and TB. I like how I never mentioned I was

Me, Loosy and Neil near the woods at Blondie's cabin <3

even going … but I dunno haha I don’t feel I should write everything in here. So I don’t. Anyways … I’ve noticed Neil is a very quite person, towards me. She seems more open to a conversation to TB or anyone else, maybe because I’m a different person than she knows. Not good, but who cares? The main event of the night was laying on the grass at night with ma buds star gazing. It probably sounds really cheesy but it was … cool. I didn’t think I should care anyways, it wasn’t exactly the highlight either. Because I was thinking, well we were thinking, about Loosy moving, and what’s gonna happen when she moves. It was sad, and I cried. And Loosy got mad because we were dealing with it in advance. But mineswell, right? She shouldn’t of been upset because we have to deal with it too. Well maybe she should be but she’s completely neutral to the whole idea. She doesn’t see it the same way we do. And I’ve looked from all sides. Moving on …

It was funny before when we were talking about when the world ends and how, or even if. And Loosy and I were talking, so intensely, about the rapture. It was funny in a morbid way. Like, a bunch of teens going to have fun but instead sitting in the living room talking about dying …. Nice.

I have to go now. I wanted to end this on a good note … Tata. <3

UNKNOWN AND PERPETUALLY DISTANT

I have a little note here that I wrote when I wished I could blog, and had nothing better to do. Here it is:

It’s 10:55. Ky and Monica are asleep.I should be too I suppose. I feel like documenting this moment. I have grown to cherish life and all it has to offer. If you don’t learn to accept challenges the more you dwell and suffer. And I’ve done enough suffering. Which brings me to a conclusion; I can’t seem to get past the feeling I am forcing myself into drama’s. But isn’t it true, though? I’ve been pushing myself into people’s world’s without any consent or means to do so. I’m a mess. Without any right to be one. I blog because I want to let out my thoughts and make people see me in a different light. I don’t want to be the stupid, selfish brat everyone seems to see me as. I want to be an insightful, smart person. I want people to see me as what I really am. Not just the stupid goofy person I always am. But an insightful poet. An author. I want them to know that when the pencil touches the paper inspiration floods my mind. Or when my finger’s touch the keyboard. It’s  no use though. I have made a reputation not worth getting, or keeping. I have lived to long in my own fake shadow for people to actually see the person behind it. Like what Blondie said, “You always get what you don’t want” Well I didn’t get what I wanted, but it was what I worked for. No use if no one understands the voice speaking … I guess I am dwelling, on the reasonable, though. <3

So, as you see, I have doomed myself into an uncontrolable spiral towards the unknown and perpetually distant future. Nice. Tata. <3

GETTING BETTER

Okay, so sorry if I sounded a little emo in my last post. I have been doing better, alot of things have helped. Mostly my friends, but mostly everything I’ve been doing.  Like I have been doing things that make me more confident. Even walking down the school halls alone, and walking infront of everyone else. I might sound like the biggest loser in the world, but it’s true. And I vowed to be true. And I have become obsessed with Catface. I really love him and can do really great immatations … hahaah. Fun! And I’ve been listening to soothing music, and things that really relate to me. With the help of Blondie of course. This is just a short post for a check-up kind of thing. But I am doing better, and not thinking about depressing things. Because that could really ruin a person. And I don’t want Neil (the new girl) to think I’m depressing .. That wouldn’t be good. I’ll just be a part of myself that I know people will be comfortable with. And I might not please everyone, but I can please most people that matter. I’ll post again later. Tata. <3

SCHOOL :(

Schools’s tomorrow. I am literally terrified. I still have so much to do. I have to change my hair, get glasses, organize my things, make my lunch, get more clothes, accesories! There is literally no end to my list. I could die right now. My life feels so stupid. I will probably screw up grade eight and fail and have to be with my brother’s class. And I need a shower! I know I could do that any second but I’m waiting for my parents to get home. I feel sick. I don’t want to post but I need everyone to know that I am not okay with this. I feel really gross and incompetent. I’ve used up my last drop of innocence and have nothing left for anyone to like. Everyone is bound to see my true colors … Something I want, but am scared of. People have learned to shy away from the unknown. And I could qualify for that. I let people know who I am, but they probably haven’t ever met someone like that. I’m going to have a shower. Good song btw. Tata. <3

TOO COMFORTABLE

I really have no idea what to do with myself. I want so many things that I can’t have. I want to do so much things with my friends. But they mostly don’t happen. Well, kinda because of my parents, but mostly because of me. I do things with the Krew alot, and I know I’m supposed to try to not fit in with them, kind of a switcheroo, but I … miss hanging out with them. So I still go on walks with them and talk to them in their secret meetings in the bedroom’s. So I ask my parent’s for money to go on walks, and that’s cost’s them. And me I guess … So witha ll the money I spend on walks I can’t do other things with my other friends. (Blondie, Loosy) I really miss them. I haven’t seen either since …. that night we went to see The Time Traveler’s Wife. And that was a while ago.

I have realized I am not a good friend to people who matter the most. I’m sure I could tell anyone of them my secret’s, but would they feel comfortable telling me a secret? Knowing I have other people I spend my time with and knowing I trust them as easily as I trust myself. Then I have other people I could go to when I have a problem. But I know in my heart that Blondie would be the person that I would want to run to and confide in. But if I had to I know I could feel just as confortable with Amber, or Monica. Because I know them and I have spent a great amount of time with them. It’s only natural that I would think of thema s good friends. But not a best friend like Blondie or Loosy. But that’s a smaller problem. The problem is that I haven’t been there for my friends. Like, Blondie’s uncle dying. I didn’t ask her how she felt about it, or how well she knew him, or even his name. All I said was ‘Omg I am soo sorry!’. And I didn’t ask her how that American Idol thing went. I’m terrible. Tata. <3

CONFUSED AND FRUSTRATED

A Sim Creation hahah <3

Okay, so I have been thinking about more drama’s in my life. Maybe not the best idea, but I can’t really control my thoughts, though I am trying. So, my parents are pushing me into alot of things these days. Like singing contest’s and a bunch of family things. But I don’t really enjoy that. So I refuse everytime. Except they ignore me. So my mum and dad look for singing contests here and in the bigger city beside us. (Not saying I they devote all their time to me) But I have managed to keep it on the down low this summer. Thanks to colds that is. Yes it is true I have been ‘accidently’ getting sick this summer to avoid travelling to contests I’d rather not be in. I love singing and all and I love that people actually like my singing. But I don’t like being pressured to do these and expected to do good. It’s tiring. But I love the rush of the stage and the butterflies when I see the crowd, no matter how big or small. And, this may come as a shock, but I love the nervousness. It’s probably my favorite emotion. I wonder if I’m shy? Hmm …. hahah their’s really no way to be sure because I can’t make that assesment. I don’t know why I put up with it really … Well, yes. I do. If I don’t then the dream fades … At least when I’m doing this I get closer to my dream of being famous. But when I’m famous I’ll be doing that all the time … Then that will be it. People will expect me to do that and expect twice as much … Now that wouldn’t be fun! It would be downright miserable! But I can’t just forget about something like that … And not to mention the wasted talent! Not trying to sound self-absorbed. But I really do think I have a good voice. But that’s me. And I have never performed infront of people I actually know … I’m just frustrated with myself. I don’t know what I want, though it should be easy. What with me being young. And all. But it really isn’t … I wonder when the confusion kicks in? Tata. <3 

DREAMS

I’ve been having really strange dreams … Like I think I’m talking to Loosy … But she doesn’t look right … Her nose is smaller and her hair is

I thought this was funny ... <3

darker and her face is shorter and more squished. But she has the essence of Loosy. We talk. About things. Like when I thought Blondie was mad at me. But she wasn’t because I’m talking to her right now and she doesn’t seem amd, so I guess LoosyPoser was right. Here kinda like how the convo went.

MOI: I think Blondie is mad at me …

LOOSYPOSER: Why?

MOI: I don’t know … I thought she’d be and because, maybe, she was mad because of my posts …

LOOSYPOSER: Your posts are nothing to be mad at. They’re the truth, aren’t they?

MOI: Yes … But that’s the problem-

LOOSYPOSER: If you think she’s mad for telling the truth then you’d better think again.

I don’t really understand her … But I guess I do … In a way?  She’s saying that it’s good to tell the truth because Blondie would be happy with me for that. But I broke a promise. And even though I told the truth here, that burns deep. And I didn’t even really tell her. I’m … kinda hoping she won’t read it. But if any of ya’ll blog follower’s have any suggestions as to who this might be in my dreams, please comment. Tata. <3

NOT HURTING ANYMORE

I’ve been very honest with my blogging. And I have been reading Blondie’s blog. But … I want to feel happy, elated. And reading Blondie’s blog is … very depressing. I’m not saying I’m gonna stop. I’m actually very worried for my friend. I’m scared that she is slipping into depression and I won’t have the Blondie I love and appreciate. It would feel like … If I turned into a Madison McCallum. It wouldn’t be right. It would feel as if the world was flipped and everything was wrong. I wouldn’t like that. And I hope I don’t sound as if I think highly of myself, because I don’t. BTW. I have decided to be more self-sacrificing. It would be better for the world … Like volunteering, instead of being told. And saying yes, when someone asks you for something. And not having seconds when your finished one plate … Or maybe not that one, but you get the point. . I just want to be a better person. And show people that that can be me too. I don’t want to change completely. But I want to be more than what everyone is used to seeing me as. Meaning a snide brat. I want people to think of me as a selfless saint … Or just a nice person. But .. I suppose I already have a reputation … No I’m joking. People probably don’t even know my name. And to prove how infamous I am, check out my Facebook. *laughs* I’ll just tell ya’ll. I have 202 friends. Cool, eh? Not really, I know. Just proving how little friends I have. And, I have less in real life I am probably the biggest loser in school … Actually probably not, but you catch my drift. *laughs at old saying*. Summer went by sooo fast! It’s amazing … I’ll start a school countdown actually ….

SCHOOL COUNTDOWN: 5 Days

Now. I can be hopless for five more days. Then the act is on! No I’m kidding. I am 100% truthful to everyone who knows me. And that’s a bit of a problem … But anywho! I’m feeling like a happy ballerina! And I wish I could talk to Loosy. Unfortunetly, I am not the kind of person to call someone randomly and strike up conversation. Sister Kyra is, though. It’s amazing we’re even related really. We have absolutely nothing in common … Except maybe dudes. But I’m not proud of that. Ooh! Did I tell ya’ll about my sleepover with Loosy? It was really fun. I was joking about what would happen if Michael Meyer’s came and killed us. Good times, good times. And she said I kinda resembled my sister! :O No way in Heck! Kyra has green hair and it’s cut super short. And I have long brownish hair. Her eyes are cute and excited, and mine are boring and dull. No one could find any resemblance on us. Not even the most famous pro facial camparers. *laughs*

All these people have made me who I am today. I know this is random but I would like to thank them. Blondie, of course. Her and I are

Blondie <3

BestFriends Forever, and I know that. Nothing could bring me to say good bye to her forever. Even if we grow apart our bond will be everlasting. Her and I are different in many ways. But our similarities are bone deep. We’ve both changed eachother, nothing will change the way we are together. And ever though we are both uncontrollably awkward and goofy. We bring out the best in eachother. And that’s why I love her.

And I have to thank Loosy for being who she is. She’s hilarious and it’s never dull around her. Like a burst of light. It’s strangly refreshing. My life is gonna be dull without Loosy. Thank god I have Blondie.

And then there’s Amber. (The mother of three ;P) She’s conquered so much it’s hard not to look up to Amber. And, on top of it all, she’s gorgeous. Her and I are working on a VTN together, and her idea’s are so inspiring that I know she’s going to go somewhere. Someday. I can’t really imagine a world without Amber Rae. She’s on my side when she knows I’m right. And she’s full of tough love. Not always the best thing but I can look past this and see the true beauty behind her flaws. She’s teaching me so much, my true mentor. And I love knowing more about her. Because she’s so interesting. Other nicknames are : Abner, Amby or Ambergur.

These people are true friends. And I would be nothing without them. They are people  I don’t have to impress to be me. And people I don’t have to try to fit in with. I would not be me without them. And I am forever thankful. I am grateful I have them for this chapter of my life, and am looking forward to the future. Wow. Never thought I’d be saying that … But we all change. Change …. I know Loosy won’t stay. She kinda can’t. But she was my friend through the hardest part in my life, and she won’t be forgotten. Amber and Blondie can change if they want. I’ll care. But I’m glad they want to be my friend, that they actually want me around. And if I hurt Blondie in anyway in the future I hope she forgive me. Because I live for her trust. And a few other things Tata. <3

UPDATED: I would like to say that I have made it up to almost a thousand words in this post. And I hope ya’ll are proud of me! Word count: 947 

Tata <3